There’s too much to say…
Ruda insisted I couldn’t be in the same room as the Jedi when we woke her up. I wanted us off planet but when Kalira got back we found out about the upgrades – which explains all the open panels and the droids moving around on the outside. Everyone pretty much agreed that we had to handle the situation with the Jedi immediately. Ruda would not have let me stay in the same room with the Jedi when she woke up but we decided to interview the… regular human first, expecting that he would not give us the same trouble as the Jedi. Garall went off to his room in disgust. I let the others handle the Corellian, it was rather amateurish – giving the human water – my real goal was to talk to the Jedi. We didn’t get anything substantial out of him, except that he’s definitely from Corellia. I’m not sure what kind of social bond Corellian humans are supposed to have but Kalira seemed to be trying to stress some kind of bond which did nothing. When he passed out again I took a better look at the Jedi. No eyes. Ruda was even more shocked than I was. It must be difficult for her finding someone that could do what she did without sight… although I know, well, feel that this person could see in a way we can’t imagine. After the shock wore off, everyone else left the sick bay to figure out the situation. I stayed inside to watch the prisoners. My head was already pretty banged up after yesterday, and sleep took the edge off, but when I got sick it was just too much. Lucky I was in the sick bay, Elroy gave me a pat on the back and some meds.
Since I was the only one in the room watching, I saw the scalpel when it cut through her restraints. I tried running to her in order to stop her, I needed to keep things from getting out of hand, to keep her from attacking us. When I went flying backwards… it was like every idea I had about how the interview should go evaporated. I was supposed to be calm, in control… proud… and there I was: hitting the wall with the flick of her hand. Everything was spiraling out of control. Everyone was on edge, ready to shoot. I was afraid then. I forgot everything about my training, or pride. I needed her to live, I needed the others to stand down. I begged… I didn’t know what else I could do.
When she warned me about fear… I was so ashamed. It was such a small thing, but I used fear to empower my need. I knelt then, crying, lost in the shame of what I had done, feeling the familiarity of her warning, as though I was disappointing someone – someone else – I loved. I do not know this woman, but I know now that at that moment, she knew me for what I needed, not what I wanted. When she talked to the others, it was like she could actually read their minds, not just the emotional sensations I get. Is that what I’m becoming?
I’m lucky the others didn’t shoot. I’m sure that I could not have done anything at that time. I was so lost in my head, by the time I came to everyone had calmed down. We were able to talk then. I thought I might have been able to figure out something about how I could know and feel things about the Jedi and Force when others spoke about them, when I had never heard about them until yesterday. I did not get an answer for that, but while the others were having their turns I suddenly made a connection I’d missed about the statuette I’ve carried for so long. The place where I found it was related to the Jedi. I drew it out with the intention to ask her about it, but as soon as it cleared my pocket she knew… she told me I had to let it go – to let them go.
I remember thinking then, “How could she ask that?” It was too much, to think of the people who died for my mistakes, so that I could live. On any other day, if I had not let go of my pride, I don’t think I would have realized that I’ve spent the last year of my life trying to die for them. I felt so selfish, letting it fall to the deck. Immediately I wanted it back – I had embraced my shame for so long…
She asked me if I had merely dropped it, or let it go.
In that moment I realized: I was stuck. I had frozen myself in a time I cannot change, to avenging an event I cannot undo. Letting go wouldn’t change their deaths, but it would give me the chance to live with myself. To find strength in the people around me when I am weak. Ruda’s hand on my shoulder then was something I needed. Connection… Vindication.
I think now I can truly live with these people – my crew – not out of fear of loss but in the moment, sharing this ever changing life. There are still things I can’t tell them, but I needed to let go of my past so that my future would not end in darkness, so I wouldn’t drag them into the darkness. I asked her to take the statue from me. I couldn’t touch it, I wouldn’t touch that fear again. I had let it pass through me, and now I am free of it.
After everything was resolved, we agreed to let her go. I gave her back her lightsaber myself. Things were awkward as we left the ship. Part of me wanted to ask what she was, how she could see with no eyes, but I felt that would have been rude. I wanted to ask for her help again, to travel with her if I had to, but I knew her rejection on the ship had been absolute. So I asked what the statue I’d given up was.
“An anchor” was all she said, and I understood. My attachment to them, what they did for me, it kept me from feeling anything for those around me. Things aren’t all that different on the Spry, but I think I’m ready to trust them now. I can’t tell them much about my past, or my… current friends… but I can make those connections I’ve been ignoring.
Maybe if I bring in Slie and Garall together I can get some information, and stop them from bickering. The Jedi spoke of points of view, serving and being betrayed by the Republic. The archives of Bothawui and the Hutts aren’t governed by Imperial censors, maybe I can dig up something.
For now I just need rest. I can wait on everything else.
I caught myself smiling before I fell asleep.